


Could have been

by creativwritingmind



Series: Ella [22]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 05:50:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12382176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creativwritingmind/pseuds/creativwritingmind
Summary: @ jackthedullboy ....be careful what you wish for, you might get exactly what you called...  I'm sorry.





	Could have been

**Author's Note:**

> @ jackthedullboy ....be careful what you wish for, you might get exactly what you called... I'm sorry.

"...and you promise to call me if you need anything?" Still not willing to let go of her niece Maddy bit back her own tears. It was what she owned to her brother, he always had been strong for all of them, and now it was the time to pay it back to his family. "I do, thank you Mads...I think she's asleep now." Thightening her grip the older woman forced Ella to look her in the eye. "Call me if YOU need something too, alright?" Looking to the ground Ellana knew the other sensed that she lied, but didn't care. There was not much left she cared about today. Finally being able to shove the last of their relatives out of her parents house the young woman leaned herself against the door and closed her eyes, did a deep breath. Her mum was fast asleep, the pills the doctor had given her had helped, Logan had taken care of their son and Josh had flewn back to Daniel the very same afternoon his best friend had been burried six feet under. Finally, she was alone.  
   
Taking another sip of air Ella pushed herself off the wodden surface and let her soul trail, let it lead her to whereever she needed to go. She had always been kind of a spiritual person, something her father had only been half fond of, and right now she trusted in her instincts. Slowly entering the room that always had been his alone, filled with his oeuvre, Ella pushed off her shoes and let her black jacket fall to the floor. She padded over to the piano, trailed her fingers along the keys, the smooth edges of the instrument. Sitting there with him was one of her first memories although Tyler had sang to her from the day she was born. Taking a few more steps the she hesitated as she reached the bookshelf, a special one. It was old and antique, a present of their grandma, filled with hundrets of slim, black bound books. Ella remembered how she had asked her mum once why she was not allowed to read them and Jenna had explained to hear that this where all of her fathers most secret thoughts, that it would be like breaking into his mind, like stealing the words he had written down from him. She had never taken a glimpse, not a single one, even in the time she hated him dearly.  
   
She was alowed to read them now, she learned, by a sudden sense stroking her, by a rush of air passing by. A transparent "Go on!" seemed to cheer her as she raised her hand and pulled one of the books out, carefully balanced it, went over to the window and sat down at the chair Tyler had used to let her nap on him when she were a baby still. Opening the white crisp pages Ella didn't know where to start first. Tylers journals where like his mind: Overbording, in no special order, sometimes coherent sentences, conversations with himself, sometimes bits and pieces of lyrics and poetry, without a date or a context. Letting her fingertips run over his handwriting, spirited and wild, Ella took the chance finally, and started somewhere she could orientate from.  
   
December 02,2012  
   
I hate my birthday. I really do. And nobody seems to get it. They never have. So I do what I always did: I put on my mask and smile. It's different this year though. My reoccuring ritual of deciding over my own worth was broken this year. I was not there, at the bridge, for the first time in six years. I did want to go there, I was already on my way outside, to leave the party alone, but Joshua trailed behind me. He was lighthearted and made it look like it was a concidience, but of course I knew he knew what I was up to. It's strange how much in sync we are...how much he seems to know of me. It scares me, to be honest...

The writing trailed off there, was not finished. A quick drawing, a shadow hanging on a noose, some scribbled words around it. Ella flipped a few pages, until her eyes were glued to a poem. 

If your heart would be an abyss  
I'd not refrain to drown myself in there  
But you choosed to let it be a boat  
guiding us both through the sea.

If my heart was not a stone  
I'd let you built a nest in there  
but I'm drowning in myself  
and you can't save me.

The pain of her loss overwhelming her for a moment Ella placed the book on her feet and began to cry. It was two weeks now since her father was dead, still she felt like he hadn't left, like he was standing right next to her, reading those words he wrote so long ago out loud. It took her a long time to calm down again, to search further through the pages, until she found something that looked like a letter.

My friend,

my one and only true friend...love of my life. I've always been a pathetic soul and you always told me that's one of the many things you love, still I hope you excuse my dramatic words, if you ever get to read them. More likely they will fade on this paper unseen, just like I will fade some day, like we all will. Still...I need to write this down, to give it a form, a body, a life. I can not let our love die, not in my mind, it's cruel enough I had to kill it on the outside right away. If I could I would tell you how I really feel...that I long for you just the way you crave for me...all it would take would be for you to speak up to me, to tell me that you feel the same way too, that all this little signs and vowes I want to see are real, not made up in my imagination. But you keep silent, and I can't speak up, not when it would destroy so much.  
Maybe I'm a coward...but so are you. Maybe none of us is really feeling what we think we could call love. Maybe what we have is not meant to be. There are too many If's for me to built a life on, and there are certainly too many But's for you to do the same thing.  
I asked god why he brought us together. I demanded answer for why he did this to me, why he let me fall in love with you, why I am challenged this way. I don't know the answer, Joshua. I don't think I ever will. All I know is that I have choosen to not try to fight for this, because I think there's no way in winning.  
I give up on us, on our hearts. I won't even try. Still I won't let you down. You are, and will forever be close to my soul, my mind, my life. You are a constant, a part of me, until the end of times. I pray hard that this isn't the wrong decission, that this isn't sending the parts out...it doesn't feel like it. It would be so much easier to run towards you then to push you away. But in the end, that's what it takes to make both of us happy. Sometimes, love isn't enough. And that's the bitter truth, none of us can deny. 

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Without taking care of being quiet Josh walked into his appartment, flicked all the lights on. He had never been a child of the darkness, and right now he hated it even more. The overnight flight had been bad enough, it had felt like every warmth, every ounce of purpose was sucked out of him with every mile they made away from the cold earth he had to leave him in. Josh hadn't been able to cry, not from the moment he learned until now, he had been the rock all of them had needed. Ella had been gratefull to no end for this, as Jenna was completly broken, not willing to accept that it was him leaving first, not this way. Sitting down on the couch, resting his arms on his legs and his head in his hands Josh breathed, slowly, as a maintenance. He did not react as carefull footsteps neared him, as Daniel sat down behind him, slowly pulled him in his arms. There was no way to still the sadness that hit him right then. There was no way to heal the wound left in his heart. He had lost way more then a friend. And the tears began to fall.


End file.
